unexpected PTSD

Some of my current PTSD stems from the early years living under the thumb of a gaslighting family. If you are not familiar with that term.... Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. It is a covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality.  Ultimately, the victim of gaslighting starts to feel unsure about their perceptions of the world and even wonder if they are losing their sanity. 

My childhood right there. I have been in therapy for decades, for that and numerous sexual assaults.  Since it is still National Mental Health Month as I write this on May 29th, I am blogging about this.

In the past few days, my PTSD, influenced by gaslighting, has reared its ugly head again. Two incidents triggered it. The first was when I made specific arrangements to have a phone call at 7 pm on a certain evening, about a small job. 7 came and went with no call from the person hiring. I phoned THEM at 7:15, thinking that maybe I was the one who was to initiate the call (I was not, my first hint of gaslighting memories) and they answered curtly, asking what could I possibly want to discuss at this hour, when they were  'trying to get dinner ready.'

It really threw me. We had scheduled this discussion. She was supposed to know this. And here she was, not only questioning the timing and the reason, but also chucking in an admonition for interrupting her meal prep. My body reacted. My heart rate went sky high. I began to sweat. My voice faltered. My hands shook. I have recently made such wonderful progress with my mental health healing, that I was unnerved at what was happening. I thought I should be able to handle what seemed like a simple misunderstanding. Lately, I would have calmly stood up for myself, but this gaslighting type of behavior landed me right back in the throes of PTSD. I doubted my reality. It felt horrible and frightening.

The next day, I was still mulling over that discomfort. With this state of mind, I again doubted my reality when a friend who arranges local gatherings used the wrong description of where we were supposed to meet. Instead of saying ' Oak Street' she said 'Beech Street' which is understandable, since they are both tree names. But she went on to describe where I lived as being in another town altogether, due to local landmarks being similarly named. I suspect that she has brain issues so I did not wish to push for a correction. When my Lyme disease was at its worst, there were times I could not recall my own daughter's name, so I really was sympathetic. But her misnomers threw me for the second time that week. The feelings of confusion and doubt were very uncomfortable. The fact that she said these things with such conviction in her voice was just like the old gaslighting from my childhood.

I took some time to gather my thoughts, to have a conversation with myself about my current safety, and then confided in a friend. After supper one night, I actually said aloud, the correct names of what that person had erroneously submitted. I am better now, but still a bit shaken. Perhaps it is preparing me for a larger issue and I will then be stronger and ready to face whatever it may be......

-GG