Issues of the Heart

 

After a recent scare that was a possible seizure, my doctor questioned me further than she had so far done. I had thought she was aware of the odd heart beats and flutterings I've had for awhile. She was not.

So, arriving in the mail soon is a Holter Heart Monitor. 

I lay in bed last night sorting out my feelings about this. Why am I not panicking?  Some friends who know about this are afraid for me. I am not. I guess it is just another hurdle to check out in my long line of lifelong ailments.

I hardly ever really think about my heart.  But over the winter I experienced some serious reluctance to self-care. It was like I had been given the choice of caring for myself or crawling a mile through an active sewer. I had chosen the sewer and can't quite figure out why. I have a huge sign in my kitchen saying TRUST THE PROCESS so I tried my best not to over-analyze it all.

Still lying in bed, where I do my best thinking, I let my mind wander. What if my heart is currently struggling to break free of old bonds, old trauma, old patterns, old memories, and that is why it's doing an odd little dance? Not very scientific, but science is beginning to catch up with some very ancient beliefs that were once labeled as primitive or occult. In breaking free of the old, perhaps it will be capable of self-love and thus self-care.

I sat up in bed, imagining what this would look like. I said  aloud, "that would be the single most potent remedy for most of my problems in life!"

My cat opened sleepy eyes and looked at me.

"Yes," I told her, "much more than having all the money I could ask for" which for me, having lived in poverty my whole adult life, is a very significant thing to admit. Being able to love myself so much that I naturally reject putting modern poisons in to my system (processed foods, alcohol, you name it,) automatically say NO when asked to do something inappropriate, and find a pattern of daily life that is more sane than frenetic. Money cannot produce any of those lovely results. For me, I believe that self-love can. I have done everything else I can think of to achieve a breakthrough. Meditation, plenty of sleep, physical therapies that assist with PTSD, depression supplements, seeking out non-toxic people. And still I balk at self love and care, the deep, real kind.

Who knows what this heart monitor will find. Maybe it will register the old me, the toddler who actually loved herself. We shall see, but my attitude is suddenly positive.

-GG